Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

calling in to work dehydrated

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice