Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.