Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
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it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Birds & Planes.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
#MeanwhileInCanada
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.