Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

happy friday

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end