Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side