Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

buying dead houseplants to save time

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Does your wife know you’re single?

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!