Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

Nomnomnomnom

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato