Fries, not lies.
You Might Also Like
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Seems kinda suspicious
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.