Fries, not lies.
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why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
🤣
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”