Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
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With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.