Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
You Might Also Like
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
life lately
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Probably my best painting.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet