Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
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Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I came this close!!!!
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
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worst…sale…ever
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”