Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*