Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

I don’t know what to do

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

Hey! This isn’t my car!

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!