Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

Aw man, but that’s the best part