Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
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Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Ummm 😳
