Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

Bike is short for Bichael.

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust

SCIENTIST: I’m listening

ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

This 4th of July, please remember…

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.