Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

Is this a threat?

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.