Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
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Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.