Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

I’ve disappointed better people.

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

Tough love is true love

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later