Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
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i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
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I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.