Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
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Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded