FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Body by cheese-puffs.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
one week till the election
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
