Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

buying dead houseplants to save time

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.