@tiemoose

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

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@thejessbess

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

@ceejoyner

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

@stephenjmolloy

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

@Brentweets

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

@charrrllaa

Waitress: would you like another drink?

Me: Are you new?

@hermanntrude

It’s called quiche because “egg pie” sounds like something you’d look up on urban dictionary.

@KyleSmells

does anyone know what happens when your mom gets to 3? like has anyone ever been stupid enough to ignore her after counting to 2 1/2 and survived to tell the tale??

@MindyFurano

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)