*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
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[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
i will not be silenced
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.