Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

I wanna be friends with this person

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

I think this should do it.

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go