Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.