Frog purse.
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[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.