Frog purse.
You Might Also Like
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Chemical wingman
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
This made me smile…
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
