Frog purse.
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Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go