Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
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[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door