Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
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The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Saw this yesterday lol
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.