Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
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[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
To everyone worried about the dangers of TikTok influencers on kids, please know that every day, a new YouTuber sets up an account and convinces someone’s husband that there’s no need to hire a plumber.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
life lately
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.