Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

one of

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”