Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
It’s the weekend y’all
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood