Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
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I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.