Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
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My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing