Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
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I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Thursday
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I put the p in pants.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.