Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
You Might Also Like
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
They’re called werewolves.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
When life hands you women, make women laid.