Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
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Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Just me?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Why I divorced her.