From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
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For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Every BBC series about the universe.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
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i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.