From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Had to try this trend 😊
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Rich people don’t understand cereal
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.