Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

We know he can swim but…

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.