From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
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My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Sorry not sorry.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I will never stop laughing at this
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk