Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

how long have you had this for?

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

My what?

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?