Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”