[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
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*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done