[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
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[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.