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Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Cat.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct