Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

good morning

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?