Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

it’s not been my year

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

Put this video in the Louvre

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.