From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
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I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.