From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
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I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*