From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
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ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.