From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
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My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.