@stanleybehrman

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

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@blaha_Who

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

@FeverFlave

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

@TheRolo

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

@envydatropic

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

@fusedude

I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.

@TeaAndCopy

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

@dril

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

@DaddyJew

Mechanic: what seems to be the problem?

Me: nice try buddy, that’s what I’m paying you for