From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
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My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Oops I deleted….
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.