I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
You Might Also Like
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*
Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
I have the reflexes of a cat, but like if it was stoned.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME: Or you’ll what?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Mechanic: what seems to be the problem?
Me: nice try buddy, that’s what I’m paying you for