From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

You Might Also Like


I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently


*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…


Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Wife: Yes.


My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that


I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.


ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME: Or you’ll what?


the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal


Mechanic: what seems to be the problem?

Me: nice try buddy, that’s what I’m paying you for