From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

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god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]


Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?


If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified


Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.


BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old


People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.


I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves.


My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.