@stanleybehrman

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

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@KeetPotato

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

@onion_an

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

@SCbchbum

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

@DanMentos

BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old

@TheTweetOfGod

People who call the Bible a fairy tale forget that in fairy tales everyone lives happily ever after.

@FuckabillyRex

I just saw an old guy pick a rubber glove out of a garbage can and put it on, and I think he might be missing the point of rubber gloves.

@DarkerWillow

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.