From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
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Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands