From my Mom
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If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
placebo pills? more like sike meds
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.