From my Mom
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This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.