Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

😏😏😏

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

How to woo a woman

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.