Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.