From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”