Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

love pickles so much i put myself in one

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

need him

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship