from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
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if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.