from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
You Might Also Like
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
choose your gary
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I’ve disappointed better people.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.