From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
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“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.