From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
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Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it